The Guilt Was Deep

Motherhood... it's a season full of growth and challenges. Right now, things have started to feel easier, but just a few months ago, I was completely drained. When my youngest still needed me constantly—whether to nap, sleep, or just be held—it felt like a weight I couldn’t shake off. I’ve been through this early stage of motherhood three times before, but this time, it was different. Maybe it’s because it was my fourth time around, and I was also trying to juggle the needs of my older kids. I missed important milestones for my third-grader, missed field trips, and I was feeling like I wasn’t showing up as the parent I wanted to be. The guilt was deep.

Big Emotions and Little Patience

My second child has always had big emotions, and let me tell you, those can be exhausting. Both my husband and I try to be patient, but there are moments when we lose it, snap, or just walk away. We’re human, after all. The thing is, I’m always worried that our kids can sense when we’re barely holding it together. We’re flawed, but we’re trying, and the important part is to apologize and try to do better next time. I know we’re doing better than what most of us experienced growing up, but the fear of causing any emotional damage still lingers.

Trying Not to Slip Through the Cracks

My third child is so easygoing that sometimes I worry she’s slipping through the cracks. She’s always praised for being the “good girl,” but I wonder if we’re missing her deeper needs. Is she just in survival mode, trying not to add to our stress? All these thoughts weigh on me, and when you add in trying to take care of my own health, I was completely depleted. It came out as rage—rage at not having alone time, at not feeling healthy, at just being stretched too thin. And it was like this illogical anger got directed at our decision to have a fourth child. I wasn’t angry at her, but it felt like she was the easiest scapegoat, and that guilt was so heavy to carry.

Leaning on God’s Embrace

Therapy has helped me see these feelings for what they are. I’m learning that it’s okay to acknowledge the hard parts of motherhood, the parts that no one really talks about because we’re supposed to just handle it. But I’ve also realized that true healing isn’t just about therapy; it’s about leaning on God. Therapy gives me tools, but ultimately, it’s God’s embrace that pulls me through the hardest moments.

Learning to Hold Boundaries with Kindness

Lately, I’ve been feeling this pull to realign with God’s plan. While it’s easy to get lost in the busyness of life or to fall into that “screw it” mentality when things get tough, deep down, I know I need to stay grounded. I want to be kind, but I’m also learning how to hold firm boundaries. Kind, but not at the expense of being walked over or manipulated by others. It’s a fine balance, but one I’m figuring out day by day.

From Being the Child to the Adult

The last few nights, I’ve had this heaviness in my heart. Family dynamics are changing as one of my parents needs more care. I’ve found myself in this place where I went from feeling like the child to suddenly being the adult making decisions that impact my parent’s life. My siblings and I are trying to support each other, and I’m so grateful God gave me each one of them. We all bring different strengths to the table, and we see things from different perspectives. But it’s still hard, and being physically far away adds to that emotional toll.

If It’s Draining Me, It Has to Go

Therapy has taught me that life isn’t always going to be peaceful. It’s about recognizing what I’m feeling—whether it’s sadness, anger, or happiness—and figuring out why. My therapist has been such a blessing in my life. Having that once-a-week space to just pour my heart out is something I never knew I needed. She reminds me that I need to put my home first—my peace, my family, my well-being. If something outside that circle is draining me, it has to go. I simply can’t carry everything anymore, and I’m learning to release it with prayer.

Sisters Who Throw Life Jackets

Friendships have been a huge source of strength for me. I’ve got this small circle of girls who have been by my side for over 20 years. Our daily chats, despite the distance, keep me feeling connected and grounded. It’s like a lifeline to my soul, knowing we can share our lives, worries, and laughter together, even if it’s just through memes or quick messages. These women are my sisters, and their support means the world to me.

To my soul sister, Wendy, who came back into my life after years apart—what a blessing that’s been. We’re on similar journeys, and God’s timing was so perfect in bringing us back together when we needed it most.

I also have a sister in Christ, who I won’t name here for privacy, but she’s been a constant source of accountability and encouragement. Just today, we were chatting about how hard it’s been for me to dive deep into the Word, and her texts came at the perfect time. Checking in on me, especially during my family struggles, means more than she probably knows. We may be navigating different challenges, but we’re in the same waters together—throwing life jackets to one another whenever needed to keep our heads above water.

If We’ve Drifted, It’s Okay

If I didn’t specifically mention your name, please know that it’s not because I don’t value you or our connection. Honestly, there are so many of you who have reached out, checked in, or simply been there in different seasons of my life. The friends I’ve highlighted here have just been walking with me through the recent waves I’m currently navigating. If you’re reading this, and we’ve shared moments, know that your presence in my life is deeply appreciated. Your support doesn’t go unnoticed—it’s just that this season, these are the ones who have been on the frontlines with me. 💛

Art as My Healing Outlet

And while this post isn’t really related to my art, it’s just a reflection of my thoughts. The drawings I’m sharing alongside it are simple doodles I’ve made over the past few weeks. These doodles have been my way to unwind, process, and let my creativity flow without pressure.

We’re All Just Trying to Keep Our Heads Above Water

So, to anyone reading this who feels like they’re drowning in all the “shoulds” and “must-dos”—please know that it’s okay to pause. It’s okay to not have it all together. Lean on God, lean on the people who love you, and don’t forget to take care of yourself first. We’re all just trying to keep our heads above water, and sometimes, that’s more than enough.